I would love to answer with a resounding YES! but I know that wasn't always the case. Yes, I did slow down (for the most part), I was intentional with my time with God and others (most of the time), and noticed that I grew in knowledge of the Truth (during parts of Lent). But God doesn't want or accept "for the most part" when it comes to my relationship with Him. That certainly wouldn't have cut it for Jesus' life and death on Earth! How miserable and hopeless we would have been, had Jesus only obeyed God for the most part, or stayed close to his Father in heaven to know His will most of the time, or mostly lived a perfect life in my place?! Praise God that Jesus was fully committed to my salvation!
Looking back on these past six weeks, it's sad to say it only took one trip midway through Lent where I was hurried and running late for me to intentionally start speeding. Then it didn't take long for it carry over into not only being less precise and exact about my speeding in the car, but also into being more busy and 'speeding' through life. I was still mindful of my speed, but caution and precision took a back seat to my own expectations, impatience, and pride. It was an obvious yield sign that I must continually die to old self (Ephesians 4:22-24) and put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20) because my sinful nature and the devil are constantly at work within me (Romans 7:1-25).
I noticed myself speeding by placing my to-do's, lists, meetings, and duties (some of which were even spiritual like Bible Study planning or writing in my blog or journal) above being still and waiting upon the Lord. I got wrapped up in my hard work and service but wasn't getting fueled up to sustain my speed and direction. As I have been learning from the wonderful example of Mary and Martha, I put the "Kitchen Service" of working hard and serving before the "Living Room" intimacy with God. The work I got so caught up in was by no means bad, but I have to remember what should always come first and where I find the strength to pursue such tasks - my relationship and intimacy with God! He desires my heart and availability above all else... what an easy request, yet I make it out to be so much harder than it is!
As I started speeding along more and more, I also became impatient with the road blocks and slow drivers in my way - particularly with my knee surgery recovery. I met with my surgeon a few weeks ago, expecting to hear good news because of how well everything seemed to be going. But I was blind-sided - no running, jumping, plyometrics for another 4 months! Rather than trusting that God had my ultimate good and healing in mind, I've been tempted to question His plan in regards to my surgery and health: God, why have you required this surgery so I can't enjoy my normal activities, working out, and even volleyball? I hate biking! I hate swimming! Don't you care that I'm getting out of shape? I started sounding a lot like the Israelites as they were wandering in the desert and speaking against God:
Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!But when I read further in Numbers 21, I see that when I, like the Israelites, repent of my sins, of my impatience, of my not trusting God's plan... I'm forgiven and healed. God had Moses make a bronze snake for the Israelites to look up at to be healed from the venomous snakes, but I've been given something even better - Jesus' cross and empty tomb.
As Good Friday and Easter approach, I can't help but think how often I choose or desire the "Jesus I want" like the Israelites of Moses' time and Jews of Jesus' time. All of the road blocks and speed traps I get stuck in are a result of my own expectations of what I think my path should look like; stemming from my lack of trust in my cartographer and His ultimate map. I had expectations about what God should do because I was working for Him... Expectations of how I can change others... Expectations of what my recovery should look like... Expectations of Him working on my timeframe and agenda... Expectations that God should make my life easy...
Praise God that Jesus' power is strong enough to break my expectations and that He is the Savior I need. He's luckily not a genie or king or servant answering to my beck and call, because if I'm honest, my heart fools me and I really don't know what I want or need or what's truly good for me. He shattered any power that sin, guilt, my expectations, death, and the devil held on me and gave me Himself! He is my eternal, humble servant King that I see riding into Jerusalem on a donkey on Palm Sunday... He provides personal assurance for me that my sins are forgiven on Maunday Thursday at the last supper... He innocently bore my sins and died a horrible death that I deserved on Good Friday... and He rose victorious on Easter Sunday. THAT is the Jesus I want and need! The Jesus that loves me and will sustain my trip here on earth until He calls me to my eternal home in heaven with Him.
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| "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God." -1 Corinthians 1:18 |
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