This whole week I have been looking forward to my 'first St. Patty's day at State.' A chance for me to witness the hype and energy of the day and show my Sparty pride while decked out in green. But with the day coming to a close, I'm left feeling disappointed, empty, and confused as to why this was ever even close to a desire. The day certainly didn't live up to its hype! But I, of course, should have seen that one coming...
Sure, getting up early, wearing my favorite color, and hanging out with friends is fun; but for someone whose intention isn't to get drunk and who doesn't love booze like, well, everyone who seems to celebrate this day, it got pretty old pretty fast.
I can't help but think of my earlier post about not being of this world. Although it was fun to be with friends at first, I quickly became bored, tired, annoyed, and irritated with the drunkenness surrounding me. I just didn't belong! Yet part of me had this expectation that I in some way should and am supposed to. This left me feeling even more frustrated, yet hopeful something would change.
Because I was really the only one or thing that could change given the circumstances, I did what only seemed natural for me - went home. Even as a little kid when me and my brother would get in fights, our frustration (and ok, probably our stubbornness) would mount to the point that arguing or fighting would never solve the problem. Our solution: we both went to our rooms and slammed the door. Maybe not ideal to run away from the problem, but at least we weren't fighting... right Mom? ;)
Anyways, I went home - able to bask in my (now royally screwed up) bracket and March Madness. Who doesn't love an entire day of basketball, upsets, and competition?! By far one of the best times of the year. So it's just me and the back-to-back-to-back games. But I had some unexpected surprises. Roommates, friends of roommates, more drunkenness, more messes, and anything but the peace and quiet I was longing for in my own home. And because in my mind, my solution was ruined, I became that little door-slamming child again and let my irritation show. My mind also started getting the best of me: "Why don't I have any other friends that I can go escape to anymore? Why no one that I can kick it with, play catch outside, and have no drunken, St. Patty's expectations? Why are these people ruining my home, my place of peace in order to escape the craziness?"
Clearly all of these frustrations and questions were from a selfish and judgmental heart. As I reflect back upon my day, it's clear that I missed out on the biggest part of my last blog - I'm supposed to be a light! Sure, I wasn't about to have the same experience as everyone else on this "Irish, drinking day" - as a follower of Christ that wasn't my desire nor would it please my Savior. But I certainly could have been more patient, forgiving, and loving to others if and when I was around them and things didn't go my way. And it may be a stretch, but having this attitude while not being drunk could have presented an opportunity to share my faith and explain why I don't indulge in a holiday like this.
So as I get ready to call it a day, I'm left not feeling quite as green, but rather a little blue. Blue that my expectations weren't met and that I ultimately let my selfishness and impatience get the best of me. And based on my day, God has a few reminders for me too:
Sure, getting up early, wearing my favorite color, and hanging out with friends is fun; but for someone whose intention isn't to get drunk and who doesn't love booze like, well, everyone who seems to celebrate this day, it got pretty old pretty fast.
I can't help but think of my earlier post about not being of this world. Although it was fun to be with friends at first, I quickly became bored, tired, annoyed, and irritated with the drunkenness surrounding me. I just didn't belong! Yet part of me had this expectation that I in some way should and am supposed to. This left me feeling even more frustrated, yet hopeful something would change.
Because I was really the only one or thing that could change given the circumstances, I did what only seemed natural for me - went home. Even as a little kid when me and my brother would get in fights, our frustration (and ok, probably our stubbornness) would mount to the point that arguing or fighting would never solve the problem. Our solution: we both went to our rooms and slammed the door. Maybe not ideal to run away from the problem, but at least we weren't fighting... right Mom? ;)
Anyways, I went home - able to bask in my (now royally screwed up) bracket and March Madness. Who doesn't love an entire day of basketball, upsets, and competition?! By far one of the best times of the year. So it's just me and the back-to-back-to-back games. But I had some unexpected surprises. Roommates, friends of roommates, more drunkenness, more messes, and anything but the peace and quiet I was longing for in my own home. And because in my mind, my solution was ruined, I became that little door-slamming child again and let my irritation show. My mind also started getting the best of me: "Why don't I have any other friends that I can go escape to anymore? Why no one that I can kick it with, play catch outside, and have no drunken, St. Patty's expectations? Why are these people ruining my home, my place of peace in order to escape the craziness?"
Clearly all of these frustrations and questions were from a selfish and judgmental heart. As I reflect back upon my day, it's clear that I missed out on the biggest part of my last blog - I'm supposed to be a light! Sure, I wasn't about to have the same experience as everyone else on this "Irish, drinking day" - as a follower of Christ that wasn't my desire nor would it please my Savior. But I certainly could have been more patient, forgiving, and loving to others if and when I was around them and things didn't go my way. And it may be a stretch, but having this attitude while not being drunk could have presented an opportunity to share my faith and explain why I don't indulge in a holiday like this.
So as I get ready to call it a day, I'm left not feeling quite as green, but rather a little blue. Blue that my expectations weren't met and that I ultimately let my selfishness and impatience get the best of me. And based on my day, God has a few reminders for me too:
- "And lead us not into temptation." (Matthew 6:13). Part of the Lord's Prayer that Jesus taught us. This takes a proactive and aware spirit on our behalf. Yes, God will definitely help and give me strength to fight temptation. But He also gives me warnings and ways to avoid tempting and spiritually unsafe situations. Being part of - or moreso thinking that I need to be a part of - the St. Patty's Day celebrations, in hindsight, is setting me up for failure and this disappointed demeanor.
- "I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me." (Jeremiah 33:8). Being broken and frustrated over my sin and the realization that I missed an opportunity to be clothed with Christ is a blessing. In my brokenness, God is near to me and forgives me and comforts me.
- "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?'...Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:5-6,8). Things may not have gone my way. I may have been upset that I didn't have any friends to go see to get away. And in other circumstances, I may be intimidated and anxious about how certain relationships will work out. But through it all, God will never leave me. He and His glorious blessings never change. He is by my side through it all, reminding me that I always fit in and am always loved and accepted with Him - allowing me to be content. When I have the God of the universe on my side, what do I really have to be upset or worried about??
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